Whoo hoo!!!

Big squat day!!! My butt hurts now! Today was a "fun day" I had too much other crap to deal with....so I didn't plan anything...I did some swings, swipes, sitting pull-ups (I had to improvise) and heavy squats...lemme tell you...the little bar on my brother's pretend weight set....not fun on the shoulders!!!!!! Even with a fat pad! Anyway....I broke a sweat and just played for about 45 minutes. It was good!

Last one for the night.

So John and I had a really good talk tonight. I went to Crossfit Cape Fear to get a "head check" and sweat out some of what I have been going through....instead I got a "heart check" and limits!! And if you know a redhead...that just means a challenge...but I give! I'm not allowed to do much since I have only been able to hold down about 500 cal. in the last 3 days...and I have covered 30 miles on those 500 cal. I may very well be the saddest girl alive, but I'm going to be one heck of a hot sad girl! Before jump on me for condoning starvation...please know that I have been through that, and yea, psychologically it may be a coping mechanism....but I am trying to eat. This isn't an excuse to fall back into a destructive behaviour. Something else John and I talked about today. But hey, if everything else in your life is going to hell in a hand basket...look for the good things...like I look freaking awesome!
I am learning a lot about myself...I have realized that I haven't forgiven myself for something that was out of my control and happened 6 years ago. I've learned that as hard as I try to trust people...I don't, even when they deserve it. I've learned that I am still punishing myself for what happened back then...even though I was already forgiven.
None of this makes up for what I have done in my present. It doesn't fix anything, and it doesn't get me back the one thing that I want. But for the first time in the last 6 years I have an odd peace....even though I still want to punish myself...I still don't want life to go on if it is without him, and I still cry...not is starts and stops....but solid for the last 3 days. But for the first time in 6 years, I feel that something, Someone, is holding onto me.
I can't ask for forgiveness, I know that I wouldn't get it anyway....good chance I never may....but one day....I might be able to forgive that 20 yr old girl for the decisions she made 6 years ago (for those of you just joining in...I'm speaking in the 3rd person here)and for the things that she never wanted and never asked for. And for now, that's a start.
I'm going for one last run of the day...maybe I'll meet the bear tonight!!


Take care of yourself...

This post has nothing to do with exercise, KB's CB's or anything of the nature...this is a dialog of growing pains......

So sleep was evasive last night...even with the ambien and scotch. I watched the entire first disk of the second season of Supernatural (with mixed emotions), and had a 4 hour conversation with Jason (my old youth pastor) that brought up a lot of old emotions. I hate how that man can see through me like he does....I swear he is psychic. He didn't let me bullshit, lie, or sugar coat the truth. He made me be authentic, and at the end of the conversation, when he knew every dark corner of my mind, he told me that he believed in me, and that he would go with me through this. Even after all that I have done...someone believes in me and is willing to walk this road with me.
I finally nodded off a little around 5, but kept waking up every 15 minutes or so. And when dawn came...it hurt....It felt like a punch in the gut, waking up, knowing that he hadn't just gone to work....that he was gone. I guess I will wake up that way for the rest of my life....But I woke up with purpose. I wrote down everything that Jason and I talked about...and the "Lessons I learned from Gary" part I. Sorry to ramble.....I just needed to vent a little. Thanks again Connie for listening....I'll see you a little later.

I'm learning to keep nothing to myself...so if you have a question...ask...I'm tired of pretending.

Yeah, I know....shame on me.....

I know that it has been 2 months since I last posted...but, as you know, sometimes life gets in the way. Right now I am working a menial job (gotta do something to pay the bills), and the hours are not being nice to me! I haven't even had time to train save a little riding time, which I am told, doesn't equal exercise...haha. Thanks to the job, I haven't been able to eat like I should, and so mentally and physically, I am starting to suck!! Today is the first day off that I have had where I didn't run off to the barn...so today I just did a really REALLY light weight day!

Sumo DL 135x5
TGU 12kg L/2 R/2
PlU BWx2 (still babying that shoulder)
MP 12kg L2/R2
5 sets

Like I said...really light...but it made me feel good to get moving again.

I finished up just in time to witness Clifford Riggs Cert on the RedNail!! Pretty freaking cool if you ask me!

Ok, I am going to get cleaned up and hopefully, I will be back tomorrow to ramble away a little more!!