Last one for the night.

So John and I had a really good talk tonight. I went to Crossfit Cape Fear to get a "head check" and sweat out some of what I have been going through....instead I got a "heart check" and limits!! And if you know a redhead...that just means a challenge...but I give! I'm not allowed to do much since I have only been able to hold down about 500 cal. in the last 3 days...and I have covered 30 miles on those 500 cal. I may very well be the saddest girl alive, but I'm going to be one heck of a hot sad girl! Before jump on me for condoning starvation...please know that I have been through that, and yea, psychologically it may be a coping mechanism....but I am trying to eat. This isn't an excuse to fall back into a destructive behaviour. Something else John and I talked about today. But hey, if everything else in your life is going to hell in a hand basket...look for the good things...like I look freaking awesome!
I am learning a lot about myself...I have realized that I haven't forgiven myself for something that was out of my control and happened 6 years ago. I've learned that as hard as I try to trust people...I don't, even when they deserve it. I've learned that I am still punishing myself for what happened back then...even though I was already forgiven.
None of this makes up for what I have done in my present. It doesn't fix anything, and it doesn't get me back the one thing that I want. But for the first time in the last 6 years I have an odd peace....even though I still want to punish myself...I still don't want life to go on if it is without him, and I still cry...not is starts and stops....but solid for the last 3 days. But for the first time in 6 years, I feel that something, Someone, is holding onto me.
I can't ask for forgiveness, I know that I wouldn't get it anyway....good chance I never may....but one day....I might be able to forgive that 20 yr old girl for the decisions she made 6 years ago (for those of you just joining in...I'm speaking in the 3rd person here)and for the things that she never wanted and never asked for. And for now, that's a start.
I'm going for one last run of the day...maybe I'll meet the bear tonight!!


Take care of yourself...